We are not from Scottish Power,
or even British Gas.
We wouldn’t drag you
out of the shower
for anything less than
And just to let you know
how to achieve eternal life…
We are nothing like
the religious group
who called on you last night.
There is one major difference:
They are wrong, and we are right.
Certain substances must be avoided,
like heroin and cups of tea.
Is it worthwhile mainlining –
or enjoying Typhoo or PG –
if, because of that, you cannot live
with God eternally?
You can stuff your face with chocolate,
and Diet Coke is not outlawed.
You can even have some Red Bull
to wash down all that chocolate,
if you’re getting very bored.
You need to be baptised, and soon.
Your last one doesn’t count:
insufficient water, and you were too young.
You’re being awkward now.
Okay, let’s cut straight to the chase.
No other church has authority