Paula's Poems

So Much Better When

by Paula Puddephatt

What if I cannot find a place for me?
To be a burden: Why would I want that?
If I let go, that's no-one's victory.
I just feel desperate: That's where I am at.
It's hard for anyone to understand.
It's not as if I truly would have planned
 
to chuck my life away - be childless -
with no career, either.  No prospects.
Each aspect of my life is in a mess.
The psychiatric system just protects
the ones "they" see as valuable - of use.
I'm battered by a lifetime of abuse.
 
This is how it seems on my darkest days.
I pray and meditate.  A sense of peace
returns to me once more, but never stays.
I wish that I could steam-iron every crease
inside my mind.  I might feel better then -
or maybe I'll feel so much better when...
 

Home | Dreams Instead | Twisted Illusions | Suicide Angel | Delusions So Beautiful | Helpless | Too Attached | High on Life | Something's Not Right | Distraction | Lifestyle Choice | See Me Through | And The Cycle Repeats | Worthless | No Reverse | Barbed Wire | Love Wasted | Obsession's Dance | Where are You? | Three Years | Eternal | Conclusion | Confused and Broken | Moving On | Final Spin | Attachment and Obsession | Bluebells for Eternal Friendship | Spirit's Song | My Cousin Rachel | La Mouette | Mary and the Horse Thief | From the East Wing | Persephone | Disordered Mind | Girl in Pink | Tenderness and Lace | No Rhythm, Reason or Rhyme | The Legend of Lucy Lightfoot | Only The Horse | Harsh Lessons | Time | Display | Space of a Year | For Other Survivors | Dreams and Illusions | Space and Away | Autumn Days | Inside My Mind | In Every Breeze | Almost Wondering Why | Scarlet | Sepia | 2012: End of the World? | The Truth From The Lies | Carousel | The "Own Life" Exclusion Clause | Never Was Enough | All Over Again | Colours of Pain | Distant | So Quietly | Before I | One Flower | Liquid Gold | My Words | Analysis | Consequences | Dreaming in Neon | Psychedelic Skies | Dreams | Magnolia | Self-Harm | Revealed | Trust | If I Believe | Moonlit Emotions | Selective Caring | Moments | Plan B | Reasons, Seasons and Private People | Even Now | Words Like | Can't Not | New Start | Pure | Not Mine | Disappointing Daughter | Numbers | Not Spring For Me | You Both | Retreat | Given Choice | Relentless | Sunlight | Artificial | Memories | Night Poems | The Quiet Ones | No-one Hears | All Night | Spiral Staircase in Sepia | Non-directional Days | Trying to Escape | Calm | Empty Cradles | Silver | The Healing Process | Twigs and Leaves | Late Autumn Into Winter | On The Inside, Looking Out | Disappointment | And Now | Star | For Rhiannon | Maybe Baby Pink | Potential | Metaphorically | Bell Jars, Sylvia, Ariadne and Me | Walls | So Much Better When | Sometimes You're Everywhere | Never Pain | Converting Each Hurt | Fade Into | Speak My Mind | Ebony and Blue | Neon and Rainbows | Oak Tree | Dark Days | And That Is All | Almost Safe | So Scared | Parallel Paths | Tesco Clubcard | What They Don't See | Pastel Shades | Imperfect Expressions | Every Day | Your Words | Beyond | A Reason | But I Don't | That You'll Reject Me | Descending Chords | Feels Like The End | Can't Mention | Learning to Fake It | Tell Me Why | The Right Words | Darkened Room | Obsession | Why Can't We? | Beyond "friendsreunited" | Underneath Her Mask | Delusions | Fragile Beauty | Not All About | Enough | Jaded | Black-and-white (with a golden beak) | Magic Beans and Mindless Office Work | Resigned | To Pay the Rent | Autumn | The Kids and Pets Thing | Who is "Everybody", Anyway? | Employment Options: Horses For Courses | Sample Kyrielle | Alternative CV | Spiritual Peace | Not in God's Name | The Highest Perch | Quakers on Pacifism | Knock, Knock | Cash Machines in Walls | Depression | If You Know These Things | Quaker Plain | Shades of Grey | Sellotape and Glue | Devotion | Spirit of the Unicorn | Moonlight Reflected | Insomnia | No Chance | 1993 | Remembering | Games | A Piece of my Peace of Mind | Lime Trees | Yew Trees | Feeding the Ducks | Duck Haiku | Dolphins | Transcending | Perspective | A Certain Stillness | Toco Toucan | Red Roses | Purple Velvet | Links